When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
You Might Also Like
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable