I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”