Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.