Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
KFC hitting the cannibal market
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.