Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Not today.. 😂
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”