Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
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can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.