My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-