Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
this is funnier than any friends episode
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks