When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.