The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice