For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour