Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
he was correct
who wants to go expliring
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors