Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?