I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens