Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Love is always patient and kind.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
peep davidson
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?