Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
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I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
marvel comics have peaked
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.