Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
dam girl
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something