I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
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My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.