SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”