Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Happy Febuary everyone!
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”