Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
the noise i just made
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?