Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
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Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
That was easy.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.