3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
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Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats