If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
The smoothest fall of all time
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I’m Sold!
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground