The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.