TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power