[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I got bills
They’re multiplying
oh good, now I can stop drinking
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!