“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat