A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.