a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.