Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
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MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.