[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Had to try this trend 😊
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore