Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
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I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
jesus, what did this guy do
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress