At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that