SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
You Might Also Like
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Important
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.