“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
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“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.