From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?