You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
You Might Also Like
My inexpensive home security system…
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Not messing around
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere