“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Noah
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Livid.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.