*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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new career option?
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.