People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Time for evil
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?