I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
That’s incredible! 👌
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated