INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
You Might Also Like
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
This week’s mood.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My boss called in sick of me
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.