Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I only treason on days ending in y
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat