my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME