[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!