“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
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About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
favorite tropes as memes