“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
You are not alone 💚
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing