My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
You Might Also Like
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds