ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.